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February 8th, 2008
01:42 pm - Very long time since I've posted
I'm going to sort of revitalize this journal for my personal thoughts. I'm going through some really hard times right now in regards to my marriage and my mental health. I'm taking celexa with some success and I also have ativan to take the edge off my anxiety issues, but that's only on a need to use basis.
I've been feeling very frustrated and depressed lately. Things are piling up and it just seems like it will never go away or get better. I don't like feeling this way, but the worse it gets the harder it gets to pull myself out of this funk. I have no interest in anything now. I just want to sit on the couch all day long and stare into space. I'm tired and I have no energy. I addressed these issues with my doctor, but he doesn't really know what to do. Neither do I, neither do I. I need to get into counseling, but I'm trying to get the kids enrolled into the hourly daycare, but of course I'm hitting a wall regarding their vaccination status. I'm hoping to get that resolved over the next day or so, we'll see.
I'm feeling pretty rejected today. An old e-friend took me off her reading list here on LJ. I'd been wondering why she hadn't commented in a while, especially when I posted a picture of my daughter wearing a dress she'd sold me. I guess I didn't comment on her journal enough or maybe she got sick of all my negativity. I admit I am pretty negative in my journal, but I'm not like that IRL...I just have to have somewhere to vent my spleen and get it out. Oh well. I try not to let things like that get to me, but I can't help it at times.
I really should be napping since the kids are both asleep but I drank too much coffee and now my brain is flying in a million different directions. Oops. I really need to stop making a full pot because I feel obligated to drink it all so it won't be wasted. The store was out of my regular coffee yesterday so I bought some Peets. I remember liking it back when I gave it a try so I figured it was worth a shot and it was. I liked it very much and I think I have a new brand. We'll see how the worms like the grounds.lol
We've started a worm bin to compost our vegetable garbage. We can't do a compost pile here in military housing so instead we bought some bins and made our own worm bin. Chris still hasn't finished drilling the holes so I may take it outside and finish it up today, but it's functional where it's at so I'm not going to kill myself to get it done asap. We started out with about 50 worms to see if we could keep them alive and except for a few failed escapes (they got out, but dried out before they reached freedom) they seem to be doing well so I'm going to order some worms off the internet today. I wanted to just buy locally, but it seems that no one likes vermiculture around here and the bait shops charge $5 for 25 worms, yeah I can order 1000 worms for $20 online. It's cool though, Scott loves feeding them and each morning he'll go in and lift their lid to say good morning. We've talked about how they eat trash and turn it into dirt which we've also used to compare with other things in nature. He saw lobsters at the store the other day and asked what they do. I told him they're the worms of the ocean, they eat all the garbage and keep the ocean clean. He thinks that is the coolest thing in the world and he always talks about his worms to everyone he encounters. Of course it does come across kind of strangely since he excitedly tells people that he has worms, but it opens the table for discussion about vermiculture and I've been surprised at the number of people who have done it or at least heard of it. I know it's more common in Europe, but it seems that it's not as uncommon as I first thought here in the US.
Enough blathering for now. I have things to do while the kids are napping and I'd better stop shirking my duties.
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January 31st, 2006
10:47 pm - Farewell
Goodbye to this journal. I'm moving it over to a new lj user name ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.2) milk_maker and will delete this journal once the move is complete.
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January 30th, 2006
10:56 pm - My first bad "islander" experience
My sister Alicia is here visiting while her boyfriend surfs in his contests. We went up to the North Shore yesterday to see her and hang out. We took her and her friends to Waimea Bay so they could all jump off of this rock
Yeah, they're a bunch of lemmings following each other off the cliff.
Anyways, there was a group of men who were hanging out close to the rock. They were loud, obnoxious, and protecting their "territory" fiercely. The water is too shallow in the winter for people to safely jump off the rock, but it didn't stop people from doing it...they just timed their jumps to coincide with a wave. So those assholes were shouting "islanders, take back the rock! Take back the rock!" and other things that I didn't understand since I don't speak their language, but I'm pretty sure it was nothing nice. The thing that bothered me the most though, was that they kept shouting for the people to jump when they weren't supposed to. One guy did and he told my sister not to do it because he hit the bottom pretty hard and while he wasn't hurt, he certainly wasn't comfortable. The thing that pisses me off, is that the fuckers laughed when he jumped at the wrong time.
Then, when we were watching her boyfriend surf, people were muttering things like get the fuck off my beach haole. It took every ounce of my will power not to snap on those people.
Fucking ignorant assholes.
A short rant, this is a generalization of what it's like here. Not all natives are like these asses, but you know how one person will ruin everything for you. There was this big drama a month or so ago about a group who signed out old relics from a museum and never returned them. They took them out to some cave and put them back. Most likely none of those things were even found in that cave, but it doesn't matter to them, it's the symbolism. And the thing that pisses me off about it is that these people piss and moan about how their culture is dying and yet they are so exclusive that they exclude everyone but themselves from their culture. They are single-handedly destroying their culture by keeping it so closed to outsiders. It's just frustrating. I'd love to learn about the culture here and take a few classes, but from what I've heard, many people would be offended by me learning it. Not all, but many and that is just stupid.
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04:54 pm - Doula training
Hi, I am searching for a doula training program. I found two that are in my area, but they are so different in duration and cost. The first one is offered by www.acbe.com and is a 3-day workshop for $300. I found out the class info from the DONA website.
The other class I found in my area is 6 weeks with 2 classes per week for $800. The lady that teaches this class has not emailed me back when I questioned her further so I don't know what she does that's different, but I do know that her price is astronomically high from talking to other doulas.
So, I'm leaning towards the ACBE training, but I'm not sure whether or not it's a good class. I have asked several doulas and they all said they took weekend classes and then attended a childbirth series. I'm not sure if the second class include the series, but still...it's insanely high priced.
Help?
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January 29th, 2006
10:29 pm - More on tattoos
So I'm sitting here watching the Miami Ink-athon. It's kind of ironic because I found out it was on after I made my previous post. Anyways, I watched two episodes in a row with people getting memorial tattoos for passed loved ones and it really got me thinking about my mother.
I want to get a memorial tattoo. She's been dead 20 years and still a day doesn't go by that I don't think of her in some way. This has really intensified since the birth of my son because I see her in so many things that he does. I also wonder just how low her life must have been for her to kill herself even though she had children. I've been so low since my son's birth, but I still couldn't ever bring myself to leave him. Maybe it's the fact that I know how it would affect him and his life that has kept me from killing myself or maybe I'm just made of stronger stuff than my mother.
But that's all beside the fact. I want a memorial tattoo. I want to get it over my heart, but I don't know what I want yet. I'm going to have to talk to my dad. It's sad, but I barely know anything about my mother. I don't know what her favorite flower was or what her favorite color was (I think it was purple). I want to find out more information about her and discuss the idea with my father. I want the tatt over my heart because she is alive there and has been with me every day since her death. I also want it over my heart because it was broken into a million pieces when I found her body. Now I just need to figure out what I want.
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08:10 pm - Tattoo Dilemma
So, time has come for me to get a tattoo celebrating the birth of my son. I have two in mind but can only get one and I just can't make up my mind! Can you help me out? Whatever I choose will be on my right calf and in black ink. I do not hold color very well...sigh.
This one is just so Scott when he's in his evil mischief mode. I picked this out a few days after he was born because he had that look on his face...a lot. Also, it has huge feet...have I posted pictures or commented on Scott's feet before? They are g-freaking-normous!!! It really makes me think of him.
 
It would just be the jumping one. Chris thinks I should have the mushroom in there too, but for now, I think I just want the jumper. I can get the object later. This one REALLY reminds me of Scott. It's just such a joyful little imp. I love the ears too. Scott's ears were folded when he was born and looked like little elf ears. yes, I realize that it's a testament to just how big his ears are, but still, his elf ears were adorable and I cried when they folded out. I'm really leaning towards this one, but when I look at the other one I like it so much too.
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January 28th, 2006
09:12 am
Natural born.
You scored 63% Cold and 71% Level-Headed! |
| You'd kill and probably not feel a damn thing. Maybe you need to think about that. |
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My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 76% on Cold |
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You scored higher than 88% on Level-Headed |
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Current Mood:  amused
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January 26th, 2006
12:24 pm
I just had a great yoga workout. I'm definitely saving this episode for future use. It really focused on stretching and had a great segment dedicated totally to meditation. I feel good right now. I'm going to hurt tomorrow, but right now I feel so loose.
I got in touch with a holistic doctor today. She is an OB who does homebirths! Wow. We talked for about thirty minutes and discussed holisitic pediatritians. Her daugther is an MD ND and focuses on children, but especially in autistic children. She's really big into cranial sacrum therapy (I know I totally mangled the spelling on that) and herbs. Unfortunately, she isn't approved by Tricare. SIGH. However, her mother (the OB) is approved so I may go standard and start seeing her for all my girlie appointments. So the search for a good holistic ped is still on. The lady I spoke with gave me a lot of information regarding Hawaii and not vaxing. When I voiced my concerns over the state possibly taking Scott from me she said that they only take children away when they are in homes with drug users. Sadly, abuse is not on the list unless it is extreme. So she helped me alleviate my fears and said that she claimed religious exemption 30 years ago with her children, which was virtually unheard of back then. The only problems she said I'd have is if I register Scott in daycare or school. No problems there. I'm really leaning towards homeschooling anyways, but Chris still has the stereotypical "homeschool kid" in his mind and is still pretty against it.
Scott is sick now. He has a cough deep in his chest. I think it's from his runny nose that he got because he's teething...he aspirated a little snot the other night and he's been kind of gurgly ever since. Last night it was not great and this morning he was hacking pretty bad. I've got the steamer plugged in and I'm going to pick up some eucalyptus oil later today. Poor guy, I hope he's feeling better soon.
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January 24th, 2006
09:41 pm - Today sucked
Well, not much going on here. I'm sore from yoga and really had to minimize the exercising this morning because SOMEONE wouldn't take a nap. We had a rough day today to say the least. He refused to nap and was fussy all day. I don't know what was up with him.
Here are some pictures because he's just so cute and is getting really mischievous.
( clicky clicky )
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rejected